It's harder than I thought...

I thought I've already prepared for the worst.

But it's so much harder than I thought.

What is to become of me?

..........

Regrets...

Why do you regret over things that have passed? Why are you always, ALWAYS like this? "If only... if only..." Don't you get tired of these two words? Do they do you any good? How far can you proceed if you keep thinking about the past? Why can't you just move on? You always say, "The human's eyes are built to stare to the front, so we shouldn't look back", but why are you contradicting yourself and doing something the complete opposite? You must be like drama, yeah?

Sometimes I really hate you... you gave yourself such an unpleasant teenage life and now you keep complaining about it. So? What else can you do? Oh, just move on! You have decades and decades to go. If you start complaining about life's incessant deficiencies, how are you going to endure the ongoing tides that are about to come? You'll just render yourself in dead ends...

For goodness' sake, just wake up already!!

How can I stop myself...?

Haven't come here for ages. I almost forgot the routine to write a blog, and darn it, I feel like my English is starting to deteriorate!!! NNNNOOOOO!!!

Alright, here's the deal, I'll pour everything out here and please please please don't let too many people see it, ok? Ok, I'm getting a little crazy now because this might be quite impossible... but I can't stop getting emo sometimes...

Sigh... I dunno, I resent myself for growing up a little late. I wished I would have spent my teens having as much fun as possible, which is what I didn't get to do now. My teenage was wasted on being a goody-two-shoe studying and living under the rocks with my parents sheltering me from the outside world. Ok, maybe it wasn't wasted - at least I still finished secondary school and Diploma with adequately good grades. But I would very much like to have more... FUN, you know, like what teens these days usually do. I wouldn't say I'm a weirdo during my teens, but compared to others, I'm still pretty isolated.

So... here I am, on my first age that doesn't end with "teen" anymore. Somehow, my friends have all established their own images and seem to be very consistent with it. However, here I am, starting to evolve and starting to become a person that I normally am not. It's a little overwhelming because... I know how I'm actually like - crazy, dissipated, dissolute, unconventional - yet I care so much about what people think of me, and I really hate it if it's full of negativity.

People always think of me as the nerdy, girl-next door who stays at home everyday studying, who only goes out with her parents escorting her, who strongly despises alcohol, smoking, drugs, sex, breaking the law etc immoral acts. The truth it, I couldn't care less. Not that I actually LOVE these things, but I'm cool with it. I don't care it if people want to take drugs and have one night stands. I believe in personal freedom and we shouldn't be bothered by things that do not concern us. I know I'm not a good friend because I don't give a damn what my friends do, because there's no right or wrong. But it's not like I WILL do it... I know my limits and I'm still sane, ok? And when I start to be cool with these things, people will be like, "OMG, look at her! So, she's actually such a b!tch inside. Oh God, we've been fooled by her demure and docile appearance!" Jeezz... WTF... there's this idiom... what is it... oh yeah, don't judge a book by its cover... haven't heard of that? So shut up! I'm a good girl! Yeah, I'm prideful like that.

I sense that some people have already started to think otherwise of me. More than half of me doesn't want to give a shit what they think, yet it still bothers a pinch of me. Plus, I'm not an extraordinarily happy person and I don't get sober often, I tend to think a little tad bit more. Hence the emo me... hell no, I don't like these thoughts at all - who does, anyway?

My parents have begun to slowly "un-protecting" me now, giving me more and more freedom as time flies by. I'm really, like REALLY REALLY thrilled about this because this is what I've been wishing for for the last twenty years. BUT, but... I kinda miss it... I WILL miss it. I don't admit it, but deep down inside I know I'm so used to being a little princess underneath their protective wings and even though I'm getting what I yearn for, I know I will miss it. Without them, I'll gradually turn into an ass-sucking whore who's always out of control. That'll totally erode my image... yeah, FOR SURE!!

Sorry for the super depressing post. I need somewhere to let it out but I don't know where the heck my diary went. Whatever... just forget it if you think this is too much for you to read.

Hola!!

Ages since I've came here! The truth is... I lost the password. Well, it's not like it matters to me since I'm kinda thinking of abandoning this blog and opening a new one at Wordpress. But thinking of the past posts I've written, and how just abandoning this blog here will cause a waste of resources (?) for this Blogspot I've decided to keep writing here. Well, at least once in a blue moon. Hehehe...

So... now I'm in KL now, the wonderful city I've always regarded it as... (of course nothing beats renowned cities like New York, Sydney and Tokyo... but KL is the closest I could get to). The funny thing is... once I've lived here, I don't feel anything special about it anymore. I no longer feel thrilled to live here. I don't know why... maybe it's the house I'm currently living in, which is... pardon me, an extreme wreck. I TOTALLY regret accepting their offer to stay here. I always feel this envy rushing over me whenever I go to my friends' houses, because no matter how, their houses are always so much elegant than mine. Sigh... the bad thing, is that I can only move out next year, because of contractual issues. And till now, I still haven't found a decent place to live in, with decent housemates, because I certainly don't wish to live with people who I hardly communicate with (eg: my current housemates). I want a place where it always keeps me wanting to go home. Now I just always want to go out and avoid staying at home as much as possible. Sigh... alright... perhaps it's just that I can't click well with my housemates. No one's fault in particular.

The shopping malls are great, however! Too bad, the heavy traffic is such a put off for the desire to go shopping. And not to mention the parking fees! (*gasps* blood rushes to brain) RM 6 per entry! That day, just for the sake of watching Harry Potter, I fished out RM 14 for parking. =.= Now I miss Gurney Plaza so much.

And my studies... to be honest, I don't have the motivation to study at all. I think I completely flunk Financial Accounting test and some of the assignments. Plus, why are the subjects this semester so UBER BORING?? And because of my lack of drive in studying, I think I might have spent a little TOO much since I came here. Not to mention having the courage to tell my parents what awesome stuff I've bought. Ahem...

I have totally NO IDEA how to live on. Just go with the flow. I've always wanted a busy but meaningful life, but now, I'm living neither of it.

Just a genuine rant...

I just noticed, that I haven't changed the imeem song in my blog for ages. Well, I have tried changing it but the codes were all screwed up! I guess I'll be stuck to this song forever. But it's still a good song!

Alright... a few consecutive posts about K-Pop, which is currently my ultimate love, I guess it's time for some real-life updates? I really can't remember where to start from. Some of the more interesting things were like... I'm going down to KL in two months' time? Seriously, I won't deny, it's nerve-wrecking. This will the first time I'm going to live by myself. I HAVE confidence that I can survive well, but just realising the fact that I'll be leaving a lot of things behind, and facing a lot of things ahead is giving me the chills. After all, I'm not a frequent KL citizen. I'll leave room for doubts on my subsequent life over there.

But one thing is for sure, KL is totally suitable for a city girl like me. Even though the chance for me to slip out to the malls to (window) shop is slim, I'd still like to think that it gives me a great space for exposure. =D Plus, think of all the cash INflow I will get when I work.

I'm not sure who else will be going with me. My friends are ALL soooo undecided, and knowing them, they'll leave the decision-making until the very last second.

I'm trying VERY hard to get a 100% scholarship from TARC now, that's why I'm studying my ASS out this semester. Dad has been UNusually smothering lately. For... over ten years he has NEVER said, "Go and study!" to me, but within these two weeks he has been throwing that at my face all the time. Halleluyah... >< Well, my current CGPA is right at the border, 3.85, which is the minimum I'll have to get in order to be qualified for the shcolarship. That's why.

*yawn* Test is coming up the day after tomorrow, and I have NOT studied even half of the covered syllabus!! Damn it... see what self-pressure has turned me into...